Sunshine peeking through

I am allowed to feel different emotions. My emotions are valid. Most importantly, I am responsible for my own happiness.

I am allowed to feel sad, frustrated, guilt, disappointed, anger, disgusted, helpless, and to feel tired. 

Most people question my happiness because I am well... quiet. Don't get me wrong, I am good at making my family and friends laugh. I say the silliest thing. My mom used to tell me that I like acting crazy just to make her laugh. Let's say I always give the best punchlines in my family. I even laugh at my own jokes because I find them brilliant at times. (ehem ehem)

A cup of coffee can bring out different emotions from me. A good cup of coffee makes me happy and satisfied. A poor one frustrates and angers me.

Purchasing a book of my favorite author brings me to cloud 9. Writing, reading, and listening to poems calm me.

Flowers and cats make me smile. I love waves and sunsets. I adore trees and sunrise. Clouds and skies give me joy. White wine and Hoegaarden rosee excites me. hahaha

What I am trying to say is I know what makes me happy. What irks me is when someone tells me "I hope you're finally happy." Emphasis on finally which connotes I was never happy. (facepalm) I know they mean well but... WTH! I am allowed to cry and complain when I feel that I am burdened. I am allowed to feel. Not because I bawled my eyes out it means I am not capable of being happy. (shakes my head) Don't expect me to smile and laugh when I am drowning in my problems. Don't blame me when I have intrusive thoughts... believe me when I say I always, always try my best to find the rainbow after the storm, the light at the end of the tunnel, sunshine after the rain. 

My parents, my sisters, my nephew, my friends, and of course my partner add to my happiness but not the source of my happiness.

These past few months, I thought I lost my mojos. But here I am, feeling better. A friend once told me when I video called him, "Oh my, your aura looks different. You look happy." coz I am. I woke up one day and decided to be happy not for anyone but for me. Oh let me tell you, it is liberating. I was stuck for some time but it gave me time to reflect on things. I was not actually stuck, I was in hermit mode. 

I will end this blog by sharing a little affirmation that I found in TikTok that might help anyone who is in a rut right now.

I am welcoming a healthy balance between all aspects of my life.

My beauty from within shines to the surface and is recognized.

I make the best decisions for myself

And everything always works out in my favor.

Hang in there, okay. Things will be better.

Emotional wall

 I passed my time by watching Tiktok. My FYP has a lot of video varieties. I came across a video that explains why a relationship fails. 

What is an emotional wall? An emotional wall is when you feel detached from what is happening around you. What brings you joy, no longer brings you joy or any kind of emotion. This is when you stopped feeling anything at all.

Signs that you are losing emotional connection in your relationship

1. No meaningful conversation

2. Conversations turns to arguments

3. Impatience and irritability

4. Constant misunderstanding and misinterpretation

5. No longer interested in each other's interests

I could not believe that a 40-second video can summarize the current state of my relationship.

Now that I know what we are both dealing with, the more reason for me to be there for him. I know how it feels to be left with your own thoughts. I want my partner to know and feel that I am with him not only in happy times but most especially during his dark times.

It is important to reach out to people you trust especially when you are burnt out. Being alone is quite tempting but it is not good in the long run. Having someone to talk to is actually liberating especially when you realized that they can relate to what you are going through.

There is a way to break that emotional wall he built between us. It is to rebuild the connection we once had. It takes a lot of work but I have a sledgehammer with me.

I choose us

I am no angel nor a saint. I make mistakes and I am no model girlfriend. I can be clingy and wants undivided attention when I am with you. But I also respect personal space as I needed that too.

From the beginning of our relationship until now... I am choosing US. No, I am not choosing you or me but US. Because a relationship is a two-way street. It takes two people to make it work. One may need to work harder but both need a contribution. I am choosing US over uncertainty, over fear, over doubts, over problems, and over past mistakes. I am choosing love, trust, and commitment. I am choosing US. 

I will be here waiting for you. I hope you come home soon. Please come home to me. 

He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me

No more

I don't rely on flower petals

A relationship takes a lot of work and decision making

Deciding to choose each other every day

To stand next to each other when things get tough

Because you know

As long as you're next to your partner

You have won half the battle

Because you have someone to fight it with

_kateywrites_

-26-

Second chance?

These past few days, I have been thinking about this question "Should you give a second chance to the person who previously hurt you?" 

Opening yourself again to the person who hurt you in the past is not an easy decision to make. It takes courage, acceptance, trust, maturity, and forgiveness from the person who got hurt.

I believe in giving chances because I believe that people grow and people change. People learn from their mistakes. A person is not defined by his past mistakes. 

Out of my 4 exes, I am on good terms with 3. 

From all 3 exes, I am really close to one. Though our breakup was really painful for both sides, we remained friends. I was his mentor and confidant. I pushed him to pursue his dream. I listen to his problems (career, family, and relationship). I taught him to be a better leader to his team. 

He was very vocal in saying that I was his "The one that got away", his "Greatest love" and he regrets hurting me. I believe him because somehow, I felt the same.  

We, including his family, remained in contact. I am actually his daughter's Godmother. When his baby was born, I was the first non-family to hold her. She's beautiful and so precious. Before she was born, I receive regular updates and ultrasounds. His hometown was far from my home but that didn't stop me from attending my goddaughter's birthday celebrations. 

I invited his family to my place of work to have dinner with me. When his sister decided to study again, I helped in her thesis. When his sister decided to go back to being a hotelier, I was one of her character references. His family attended my Mother's wake in 2018. That's how we were even after the breakup. 

Fast forward to 2021, we met again. We're both single. During that reunion, we said our piece. It was the first time in 6 years that we have personally spoken of what transpired in our relationship. We cried, we said our sorries but ultimately, we felt that we still love each other. We're both scared since we are happy being friends. Both our families know the pain that we felt when we broke up. Understandably, we know that if we choose to be together again, people around us will not accept it but we decided to take the leap of faith. 

We were happy and promised to make it work this time. We agreed to a long-distance relationship because we believed we are more mature to handle it. 

I was with him during his quarantine (in the Philippines, Seattle, and inside the cruise) since he needs to complete it as a new work protocol. We have opposite timezones so my morning is his evening and vice versa. One will have to stay up late or wake up early. We watch each other sleep via video call. We talked about anything. We even had coffee dates. He's inside his cabin while I sit inside the coffee shop. These are the small sacrifices that we promised to do for our relationship. I hold these moments dearly. Then the quarantine period finished. He started working. Communication became less and less. When he told me that the internet on a cruise is expensive, I accepted that our communication will be minimal. My love language is Act of Service and Quality time which is why it became a concern. We had our talk, I told him that I will support him and understand him. He's really busy and he also does not call his daughter as often as before because his work hours can reach between 12-16 hours per day. He's exhausted by the end of his shift.

The last time we talked, he said he does not feel the same way as he did before he left for work. He felt that we rushed things and now he is unsure of what he felt about me. It broke my heart because when I said yes to him when he asked me if he can be in my life again as a partner, I accepted him wholeheartedly. For me, choosing him again is never a mistake. I gave my trust again even though the reason for our breakup was about trust and loyalty/faithfulness. He told me there's no third party. I believe him. 

I am teary-eyed while I type this. Typing it down is somewhat therapeutic. I was single for 2 years before we got back together. I took care of my heart so when someone comes along to offer their love, I am ready to open my heart again. Then he came back, I know my heart is ready to love again. My heart is ready to love him again.

Do I love him? Yes, I still do. I don't know what happened from the time of our last talk to this day because my love for him never falter. Every day, I choose him even on difficult days.

So the question "Should one give a second chance to the person who previously hurt you?" - if you are ready to open your heart again, accept him/her, and ready to get hurt again... then my answer is YES.

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. - Alfred Lord Tennyson 

This song explains how I feel about my relationship: Snoh Aalegra - You

Read this post about him: I thought you were my last

When he asked me how to overcome heartache: How to move on