Emotional wall

 I passed my time by watching Tiktok. My FYP has a lot of video varieties. I came across a video that explains why a relationship fails. 

What is an emotional wall? An emotional wall is when you feel detached from what is happening around you. What brings you joy, no longer brings you joy or any kind of emotion. This is when you stopped feeling anything at all.

Signs that you are losing emotional connection in your relationship

1. No meaningful conversation

2. Conversations turns to arguments

3. Impatience and irritability

4. Constant misunderstanding and misinterpretation

5. No longer interested in each other's interests

I could not believe that a 40-second video can summarize the current state of my relationship.

Now that I know what we are both dealing with, the more reason for me to be there for him. I know how it feels to be left with your own thoughts. I want my partner to know and feel that I am with him not only in happy times but most especially during his dark times.

It is important to reach out to people you trust especially when you are burnt out. Being alone is quite tempting but it is not good in the long run. Having someone to talk to is actually liberating especially when you realized that they can relate to what you are going through.

There is a way to break that emotional wall he built between us. It is to rebuild the connection we once had. It takes a lot of work but I have a sledgehammer with me.

I choose us

I am no angel nor a saint. I make mistakes and I am no model girlfriend. I can be clingy and wants undivided attention when I am with you. But I also respect personal space as I needed that too.

From the beginning of our relationship until now... I am choosing US. No, I am not choosing you or me but US. Because a relationship is a two-way street. It takes two people to make it work. One may need to work harder but both need a contribution. I am choosing US over uncertainty, over fear, over doubts, over problems, and over past mistakes. I am choosing love, trust, and commitment. I am choosing US. 

I will be here waiting for you. I hope you come home soon. Please come home to me. 

He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me

No more

I don't rely on flower petals

A relationship takes a lot of work and decision making

Deciding to choose each other every day

To stand next to each other when things get tough

Because you know

As long as you're next to your partner

You have won half the battle

Because you have someone to fight it with

_kateywrites_

-26-

Second chance?

These past few days, I have been thinking about this question "Should you give a second chance to the person who previously hurt you?" 

Opening yourself again to the person who hurt you in the past is not an easy decision to make. It takes courage, acceptance, trust, maturity, and forgiveness from the person who got hurt.

I believe in giving chances because I believe that people grow and people change. People learn from their mistakes. A person is not defined by his past mistakes. 

Out of my 4 exes, I am on good terms with 3. 

From all 3 exes, I am really close to one. Though our breakup was really painful for both sides, we remained friends. I was his mentor and confidant. I pushed him to pursue his dream. I listen to his problems (career, family, and relationship). I taught him to be a better leader to his team. 

He was very vocal in saying that I was his "The one that got away", his "Greatest love" and he regrets hurting me. I believe him because somehow, I felt the same.  

We, including his family, remained in contact. I am actually his daughter's Godmother. When his baby was born, I was the first non-family to hold her. She's beautiful and so precious. Before she was born, I receive regular updates and ultrasounds. His hometown was far from my home but that didn't stop me from attending my goddaughter's birthday celebrations. 

I invited his family to my place of work to have dinner with me. When his sister decided to study again, I helped in her thesis. When his sister decided to go back to being a hotelier, I was one of her character references. His family attended my Mother's wake in 2018. That's how we were even after the breakup. 

Fast forward to 2021, we met again. We're both single. During that reunion, we said our piece. It was the first time in 6 years that we have personally spoken of what transpired in our relationship. We cried, we said our sorries but ultimately, we felt that we still love each other. We're both scared since we are happy being friends. Both our families know the pain that we felt when we broke up. Understandably, we know that if we choose to be together again, people around us will not accept it but we decided to take the leap of faith. 

We were happy and promised to make it work this time. We agreed to a long-distance relationship because we believed we are more mature to handle it. 

I was with him during his quarantine (in the Philippines, Seattle, and inside the cruise) since he needs to complete it as a new work protocol. We have opposite timezones so my morning is his evening and vice versa. One will have to stay up late or wake up early. We watch each other sleep via video call. We talked about anything. We even had coffee dates. He's inside his cabin while I sit inside the coffee shop. These are the small sacrifices that we promised to do for our relationship. I hold these moments dearly. Then the quarantine period finished. He started working. Communication became less and less. When he told me that the internet on a cruise is expensive, I accepted that our communication will be minimal. My love language is Act of Service and Quality time which is why it became a concern. We had our talk, I told him that I will support him and understand him. He's really busy and he also does not call his daughter as often as before because his work hours can reach between 12-16 hours per day. He's exhausted by the end of his shift.

The last time we talked, he said he does not feel the same way as he did before he left for work. He felt that we rushed things and now he is unsure of what he felt about me. It broke my heart because when I said yes to him when he asked me if he can be in my life again as a partner, I accepted him wholeheartedly. For me, choosing him again is never a mistake. I gave my trust again even though the reason for our breakup was about trust and loyalty/faithfulness. He told me there's no third party. I believe him. 

I am teary-eyed while I type this. Typing it down is somewhat therapeutic. I was single for 2 years before we got back together. I took care of my heart so when someone comes along to offer their love, I am ready to open my heart again. Then he came back, I know my heart is ready to love again. My heart is ready to love him again.

Do I love him? Yes, I still do. I don't know what happened from the time of our last talk to this day because my love for him never falter. Every day, I choose him even on difficult days.

So the question "Should one give a second chance to the person who previously hurt you?" - if you are ready to open your heart again, accept him/her, and ready to get hurt again... then my answer is YES.

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. - Alfred Lord Tennyson 

This song explains how I feel about my relationship: Snoh Aalegra - You

Read this post about him: I thought you were my last

When he asked me how to overcome heartache: How to move on

I thought you were my last

Dear Ex,

How are you? I hope everything is okay with you. How's work? I hope you find a better company. I know that yours are not treating their staff fairly.

So... why did I even write you a letter? Well... I know you don't care but I would like to tell you that I am doing fine. Work is a bit challenging. But you know me, I love challenges. :) Probably that's the reason why we became an item.

Remember when I used to bully you? You hated me but you also liked me at the same time. My honesty is a little brutal, I know. My mouth is faster than my brain.

How about the time when I "forced" you to drink coffee? That was fun! I didn't know you'd get a stomachache when you drink coffee. But hey! You grew out of it. We always have our coffee date every week since then.

I don't like singing. I think I have an awful voice but you made me sing. And you love listening to my singing voice.

I don't like to cook. But you love my adobo... more than your Mama's cooking. Which is a compliment coz your Mama is a good cook.

Probably I miss what we had, but I don't miss the fights. When every simple conversation turns into a misunderstanding. When we hurt each other with words that we can never take back. Well... I started missing you when you changed. When every little thing I do or say irritates you. That's when you started comparing me to her. 

Yes, I miss you but not romantically. I have passed that stage. I miss the friendship, the laughter, the series marathon, the midnight snacks, and our people watching.

Remember the last time we had our coffee and I cried because I asked "What happened to us?".

I also want to say I'm sorry if I hurt you when I chose my happiness. But I don't need to apologize for choosing my happiness. So I'll just say, I'm sorry for the times that I have hurt you.

Thank you for the years of being together. It was indeed a roller coaster of emotion. We had our highs which I will keep. And we had our lows which I will treasure. Thank you for introducing me to your family whom I love dearly. They have accepted me as their own and for that I am grateful.

Please believe me when I say, I am truly happy now that you have a girlfriend. I wish you all the best and will always include you in my nightly prayer. God sent you to me on my lowest, when I started doubting myself. Things may not have turned out the way we wanted them to be. But I know our purpose for each other has reached its finish line.

So... just take care of yourself and please behave, okay?

Your Ex

My Sister's Wedding

Hi Loves,

Last February 7, my sister married her prince. The experience is so heart warming. 

Just wanna share some photos of the wedding and reception.

Invitation was made by Artistic Chic. Scribbles: by Bride

The Bride

The Groom

Wedding rings

Maid of Honor, Mother of the Bride, Bride, Bridesmaid, (Father of the Bride - locket necklace)

with the Officiating Priest

Welcome to the family

New Mrs. Macahia

MOH, Mr. & Mrs Macahia, Best Man

Principal Sponsors

Bridesmaids and Groomsmen

Secondary Sponsors (Candle, Veil and Cord)

Flower girls, Ring/Bible/Coin bearers

Mommy giving her advice to the newly wed couple

I love how my sister looks and listens to my Mom.

All the single ladies!

The Lucky One

The Bachelors

Surprise dance number of the Groom

There's so much more photos to share. It was a night filled with love and laughter.

Marvin, welcome to our family. I know that you will take care of our precious Princess.

xoxo,
Katey

How to make your relationship work

I wouldn't consider myself a love or relationship guru but I think I had a diverse relationship that helped me provide some valuable input in making a relationship last.

I can compare finding a (lifetime) partner to hailing a cab. If you are lucky enough, you have an available cab pass by your street. Most of the time, you need to wait for a cab to come along. And sadly enough, some needs to fight over a cab. On how the ride will turn out to be, that’s the responsibility of the driver and the passenger.

So what do you need to make your journey as a couple work, and hopefully, last.

Set and know each other’s expectations

More often than not, we enter a relationship without knowing what’s in store for us. We love the element of surprise. I was one until a partner asked me “What are your expectations in this relationship?” I was taken off guard. Once I regain my composure, I was able to think straight. Knowing what you want in a relationship and in your partner is essential. You and your partner will have a clear picture of what you want to have and what you are capable of giving and receiving.

Communicate

Communication is vital in a relationship. When I say “Communicate”, it doesn’t mean communicate only when your partner upsets you. Yes, you should be open with your emotion especially if you feel offended or hurt. But more than that, sharing important things with your partner is a good bonding moment.

Share about your work, or a new hobby of yours. It may be mundane to you but maybe it is interesting to your partner.

Do things together

Like communication, doing things together will make your relationship stronger and more fun. Why not start a hobby together. Learn a new language and practice it with each other. Read a book and share what you think of a certain chapter. Do the laundry together or wash the dishes while your partner wipes it dry.  Come to think of it, relationship is a team effort.

Me time

In as much that you want to spend every waking day with each other, you need some “Me time”. Me time doesn't mean alone time. Me time can mean a visit to your mom, a movie date with your sisters or a coffee date with your girlfriends. Me time also applies to your partner: A boy’s night out, a basketball game with his high school/college friends or a drinking session with his dad and brothers.

Having me time will energize and rejuvenate your individuality. Before you enter this relationship, you have a life of your own. So why stop living?

Learn each other’s interest

In point 3, I suggested to do things together that both of you enjoy. But how about learning something new? Learn your partner’s passion. It may be her passion for skincare or his passion for comics, her passion for art or his passion for sports.  You don’t need to love their interest but at least know a few things about it. Start with reading an article or two. Maybe watch him during his basketball game with his friends or accompany her in her visit to museum. Perhaps, you will discover that her or his interest is appealing and fascinating.

Support each other
You're not in a relationship to compete with each other. Be each other's cheerleader. Your partner will come to you to share their problem with their work, friends or family. Just be there when things get tough.

If they share something that they are passionate about, listen and give advice if asked. Be enthusiastic and be an active listener. If things are unclear to you, ask them questions instead of being negative about it. 

Also, celebrate their success. To celebrate their happiness and triumph shows that you are proud of them. Every partner wants to make their partner proud. 

Respect each other’s privacy

In this day and age, we are so attach to social media and technology that we want to know our partner’s whereabouts and password to her or his mobile, email and social media account. I actually don’t want my privacy invaded. There is a reason why you have a password in your email, it is personal. Regardless if you are in a relationship, it doesn't give you the right to access your partner’s mobile, email or social media. However, I applaud those who give their password freely and openly. I had a partner who gave his password to his email and social media. I didn't open it. Not unless he asks me to check an email he expects or asks me to send an email on his behalf. He gave it to me freely but I still respect his privacy. Not giving your partner an access to your account doesn't mean that you are hiding something but it means you want to keep your privacy. And if you are really faithful to each other, you will not do anything that will hurt the relationship.

Compose and Compromise

Don’t expect a relationship to be all bright and dandy. Relationship is like a roller coaster ride. 

Discussion and misunderstanding is normal. When you reach that part of relationship when you get to each other’s nerve: stop and breathe. Get a grip of yourself until you can think clearly. You don’t need to push your ideals to your partner and same with them. Meet half way and compromise. But once you compromise, don’t blame each other if things didn't work out. Compromise doesn't mean that you let go of your ideals and belief but it means that you are open to change and you value your relationship more than your ego.

Apologize

Saying sorry is so easy to say nowadays that you question its authenticity. When you say sorry, you need to mean it and know why and what you are sorry for. Some people say sorry just to end the argument. And some say it not knowing why they need to say sorry. When your partner apologize, you need to ask them if they know what made you upset. You will be surprise to hear “I don’t know.” If your partner is honest enough to admit their shortcoming by not knowing what they did to upset you, you need to reciprocate their honesty. Discuss what hurt you and why. This will spare both of you of future misunderstanding.

But not all apologies are accepted, so don’t feel dishearten when things didn't go back to normal. Just be patient and make sure you don’t do the same mistake.

Forgive

This is connected to point 9. We know that forgiving is not easy especially when you really are hurt. But forgiving is also a choice. If you choose to forgive your partner, you are ready to start anew. You are ready to let go and move on. The common mistake in forgiving is, forgiving too easily. In doing so, you are not prepared to accept the mistake of your partner and you end up being paranoid. You remind your partner about the mistake and both of you end up hurting each other more.

Spirituality/Belief

No matter what your belief - God, Allah, Higher being or science, it is important that you share this with your partner.

I can only speak for myself as a Catholic. I am lucky to have no issue with my religion with my partner. What I like about my relationship is that, I was able to reconnect with my Creator. I love that we pray together (via Skype) before we sleep and attend mass (as much as possible) every Sunday.

Religion shouldn't be an issue as most religion share the same belief which is to love and respect one another.

I purposely did not include Staying in love, be patient, be understanding and have trust. I believe that these 4 things are fundamental in a relationship. I wanted to share extra pointers that I believe will help make a relationship work and last.

Any relationship pointers you have that you want to share?

Love to hear it from you.

Xoxo,

Katey

Expectation

I was talking to a friend earlier and this is how it went.

Friend: So what's your plan?

Me: I don't know.

Friend: How come you don't know? You always know what to do.

Me: What if I really don't know.

Friend: No. You have everything figured out.

Me: Because that was the expectation.

Friend: So if people expect you to know everything?

Me: But I don't.

We're not just talking about simple things, but we're talking about life. At a very young age, I taught myself to be tough and independent when it comes to dealing with issues. My parents may have given me my wants and my needs as a child but when it comes to talking about issues or dealing with it was not normal in our household. 

My Dad is bossy. He tells you what to do and you have to follow. While my Mom is submissive and prayerful. 

So you see, my parents are quite different from each other. I'm not complaining though. I have always believed that it gave me balance in life.

I'm a mixture of both. I am a little bossy but very understanding at times. I am impatient but I am forgiving. I'm confrontational but I am lenient.

As I have mentioned earlier, I taught myself to deal on my issues on my own. Maybe because, the expectation of my Dad and Mom is too high that I felt that if I failed, I will disappoint them. My Dad expected me to be strong & tough because I'm the firstborn. My Mom expect me to be a model to my two younger sisters. I have some issues that I kept to myself because I felt that it shows weakness.

As time passby I realized that I have mastered the act of "pretending". Pretending everything is bright and dandy. Pretending that I can do whatever, that I don't need anybody's help. 

I learn that I can only rely on myself because most people that I trust are the ones who run away at the sight of a problem. I got used to people telling me their issues and problems. While I kept my issues to myself. 

One of the reasons why I started blogging is to have an outlet for my creativity as well as to talk about issues that I have been dealing and experiencing. 

I might have been a good actress because nobody can read through me. They may feel there is something that is bugging me but they can't seem to figure it out. I can shift my mood very easily and it  works with concealing everything I am feeling.

I try to motivate myself by thinking of the good in everything. Bad things may happen but I try to see the bright side.

I had "the talk" with my Superior and he said "At the end of the day, life goes on." and I replied "I know, I have been telling that to myself". I think he felt my pain.

Lately, I've been feeling a little under the weather but I know that I am doing my best to keep that sunshine over me and in me. 

Oh well... Life goes on...

Sorry if this post is a little depressing. I hope that things will be a little better.

Speak to you soon!!!

Xoxo,

Katey

Name tags

Labeling has been a part of our daily lives. 

In schools, students are categorized by intelligence, abilities and popularity. You have your nerds, jocks, cheerleaders, and losers. Each one longs to be associated with the "popular".

In your work place, employees are categorized by position. Blue collar and white collar, rank & file and senior. You normally see rank & file eats with their rank & file colleagues. Managers share table with managers.

In the society, you have the elite, middle class and the masses. We also categorize people with their choice of fashion. You have the fashionista, emo/goth, jologs/jejemon, rakista, hipsters and the normal ones.

Why do we always put labels in everything? Some may say "To keep everything in its place.". But more than keeping everything in order, labels are mostly use to discriminate and demean a person or a group of person.

I noticed how people make fun of "jejemons". Yes, I cringe when I see them text. With the extra "z" and "s". But what the heck, for sure they know the spelling of "hello" but they prefer using "eow". People make fun of their fashion sense. So what, they feel confident and comfortable with it. I secretly admire those people because they have the "I don't care" attitude. I am so concern with what society will say about me, that I feel trapped. 

I feel like if society does not approve of who you are, expect to be labelled.

I am guilty of putting labels on people and I do FEEL guilty about it. Society has become so judgmental that it poisons not just the mind of people but the heart. 

Every time I fall in this trap, I step back and try to empathize with the person being attacked. I try to put myself in their shoes and ask myself "What will I feel if someone makes fun of me?". I'm not perfect so who am I to judge? 

I know wishing to have a society that is forgiving, less judgmental, accepting, respectful and polite is impossible. (Sigh)

I can start with myself by trying to be less "bitchy". Hihihi... Oh, change!

Any attitude you wish you can change?

Speak to you soon.

Peace & love,

Katey

Self Discovery

When we were young, we have this clear picture of what we wanted to be. Some wanted to be a Doctor, some a Lawyer and some wanted to be a Scientist. I remember that I wanted to be a Nun. Which of course, didn't happened.

Now that I am 30 something, I feel that I am lost. 

I don't know where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be. I've always thought that when I reached a certain age, I have everything figured out. But I was so wrong.

My Dad chose my course in College. I wanted to take up either Psychology or Fine Arts but my Dad wanted me to take up Commerce. Being the eldest daugther, he wanted me to follow his footsteps. The "adult pleaser" and "respectful of authority" in me decided to obey my Dad's decision. I took up Commerce major in Economics. I enjoyed College years because of the organizations I joined in. I was able to dance, cheerdance and be active in socio-civic activities.

Work was okay. My first job was a Sales Assistant aka data encoder. It was not fulfilling but then again, I met new people that became my close friends. Then I moved to Hospitality industry. I worked as a Coordinator then after 3 years relocated in Middle East. I climbed up the corporate ladder. I started as a Receptionist and now, I am holding a managerial position.

I have a fulfilling job and I know that I have made my family proud. Now, you might ask, why do I feel lost? I feel lost because no matter how fulfilling my job is, I am not happy. I know that this path that I took is not what I want to be. I like arts and I like observing people. But my current work does not include either of the two. 

My previous superior told me that he can see a lot of potential in me. That I will be great in my current position. I respect his opinion and I am glad that he sees something great in me but I don't see myself in that field. Instead of being truthful, I said I am upto the challenge. I thought that new tasks and position will make me change my mind, that I am just bored with my job. I have to say that I deliver but I am unhappy.

Giving others the power to decide for my future made me unhappy and lost. No, I don't blame my dad or my previous superior. I blame myself for not standing up with what I want. I wanted to get the approval of my dad that I gave in to his demand even if it means that I will have to set aside my happiness.

I am unhappy. I acknowledge that fact. Though it is difficult for me to do, I started to address this issue. Writing blog is one of my way to keep my creativity alive. I love writing. I have a creative imagination and writing is my way of communicating my thoughts. Also, I return back to zumba classes. I love performing and zumba class helps me to satisfy that passion. I even considering to get zumba instructor certification. 

I am in the process of self-discovery and I know that it will take a lot of time to finally reach that "self-fulfillment" stage. But I am just glad that I finally got the courage to take baby steps.

I know that this entry is lengthy and I thank you for spending your time reading this.

Are you happy with what have now? Or are you experiencing self-discovery just like me?

Speak to you soon! 

Xoxo,

Katey

What's weighing you down?

Hi! 

It's been a while.

So... How do I start? Hmmm... Let's start with what I have been doing.

I'm attending zumba classes again. I go to zumba class M-W-F. Yup, 3 times a week. Getting back in shape takes a lot of determination & patience. 

My sister is getting married next year so I need to lose some pounds coz I'm in her entourage. 

Honestly speaking (or writing), I really have an issue with my weight. (Whew...) I'm not really fat. I know discussing weight issue is a sensitive subject but I am sharing this part of me because I believe that each one of us has a personal battle that we are going through everyday.

Some will say that I'm overly dramatic coz I am not that fat. A colleague even asked me "Why are you unhappy with your body? You are not fat.". Oh bless him. But it's not just the weight itself that I am battling with but myself perception.

I have been skinny from my elementary years to my college years. My heaviest when I was in college is 100lbs. Maybe it also helps that I am a dancer. I have a flat stomach and even have an abs. My arms are tone and I exercise regularly. I remember whenever my Aunt will tell me "Jacky, you're gaining weight.", I would starve myself and even resorted to sticking my finger into my mouth after every meal. I always feel frustrated everytime I gain weight. I feel disgusted whenever I see myself in the mirror. I cry whenever someone says I'm fat because I feel really ugly and unwanted.

Moving to Middle East, made it even worse. I gain a lot of weight because of my lifestyle. My world has been "home-work-home". I became less and less active. Food became my constant companion. Don't get me wrong, I have friends. Imagine what I felt when I gain so much weight and when I went for vacation all I hear is "What happened to you?" or "Where's your abs?". And the constant reminder to lose weight.

I went to this free check-up and the doctor told me "You're little obese." What the... I don't know if she meant I'm almost obese or I am becoming obese or I am obese and small. Btw, she said that in front of other patients. I just smiled and pretended to be okay but my heart is breaking. Talk about humiliation! I felt disappointed and disgusted. I hate it!

After the self loathe has worn out, I looked at my old photos. All I see is a skinny girl looking back at me. I look extremely different. I look ugly. I asked myself, how could I even consider that body to be beautiful?

If you will ask me now if I am happy with my current weight? No. I could lose some weight here and there, tone my arms and flatten my stomach. BUT, I will not let myself to be skinny as I was. My main goal is to be healthy.

Sometimes I still feel sad when I see my reflection and I still get affected when someone tells me that I am a fatso. But changing what I see of myself takes little step. I need to start learning that the numbers in a weighing scale do not define me as a person. I need to start loving myself more.

Sigh... Oh well... Do you have any personal battle you would like to share?

Take care & God bless.

Xoxo,

Katey