Emotional wall

 I passed my time by watching Tiktok. My FYP has a lot of video varieties. I came across a video that explains why a relationship fails. 

What is an emotional wall? An emotional wall is when you feel detached from what is happening around you. What brings you joy, no longer brings you joy or any kind of emotion. This is when you stopped feeling anything at all.

Signs that you are losing emotional connection in your relationship

1. No meaningful conversation

2. Conversations turns to arguments

3. Impatience and irritability

4. Constant misunderstanding and misinterpretation

5. No longer interested in each other's interests

I could not believe that a 40-second video can summarize the current state of my relationship.

Now that I know what we are both dealing with, the more reason for me to be there for him. I know how it feels to be left with your own thoughts. I want my partner to know and feel that I am with him not only in happy times but most especially during his dark times.

It is important to reach out to people you trust especially when you are burnt out. Being alone is quite tempting but it is not good in the long run. Having someone to talk to is actually liberating especially when you realized that they can relate to what you are going through.

There is a way to break that emotional wall he built between us. It is to rebuild the connection we once had. It takes a lot of work but I have a sledgehammer with me.

I choose us

I am no angel nor a saint. I make mistakes and I am no model girlfriend. I can be clingy and wants undivided attention when I am with you. But I also respect personal space as I needed that too.

From the beginning of our relationship until now... I am choosing US. No, I am not choosing you or me but US. Because a relationship is a two-way street. It takes two people to make it work. One may need to work harder but both need a contribution. I am choosing US over uncertainty, over fear, over doubts, over problems, and over past mistakes. I am choosing love, trust, and commitment. I am choosing US. 

I will be here waiting for you. I hope you come home soon. Please come home to me. 

He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me

No more

I don't rely on flower petals

A relationship takes a lot of work and decision making

Deciding to choose each other every day

To stand next to each other when things get tough

Because you know

As long as you're next to your partner

You have won half the battle

Because you have someone to fight it with

_kateywrites_

-26-

Second chance?

These past few days, I have been thinking about this question "Should you give a second chance to the person who previously hurt you?" 

Opening yourself again to the person who hurt you in the past is not an easy decision to make. It takes courage, acceptance, trust, maturity, and forgiveness from the person who got hurt.

I believe in giving chances because I believe that people grow and people change. People learn from their mistakes. A person is not defined by his past mistakes. 

Out of my 4 exes, I am on good terms with 3. 

From all 3 exes, I am really close to one. Though our breakup was really painful for both sides, we remained friends. I was his mentor and confidant. I pushed him to pursue his dream. I listen to his problems (career, family, and relationship). I taught him to be a better leader to his team. 

He was very vocal in saying that I was his "The one that got away", his "Greatest love" and he regrets hurting me. I believe him because somehow, I felt the same.  

We, including his family, remained in contact. I am actually his daughter's Godmother. When his baby was born, I was the first non-family to hold her. She's beautiful and so precious. Before she was born, I receive regular updates and ultrasounds. His hometown was far from my home but that didn't stop me from attending my goddaughter's birthday celebrations. 

I invited his family to my place of work to have dinner with me. When his sister decided to study again, I helped in her thesis. When his sister decided to go back to being a hotelier, I was one of her character references. His family attended my Mother's wake in 2018. That's how we were even after the breakup. 

Fast forward to 2021, we met again. We're both single. During that reunion, we said our piece. It was the first time in 6 years that we have personally spoken of what transpired in our relationship. We cried, we said our sorries but ultimately, we felt that we still love each other. We're both scared since we are happy being friends. Both our families know the pain that we felt when we broke up. Understandably, we know that if we choose to be together again, people around us will not accept it but we decided to take the leap of faith. 

We were happy and promised to make it work this time. We agreed to a long-distance relationship because we believed we are more mature to handle it. 

I was with him during his quarantine (in the Philippines, Seattle, and inside the cruise) since he needs to complete it as a new work protocol. We have opposite timezones so my morning is his evening and vice versa. One will have to stay up late or wake up early. We watch each other sleep via video call. We talked about anything. We even had coffee dates. He's inside his cabin while I sit inside the coffee shop. These are the small sacrifices that we promised to do for our relationship. I hold these moments dearly. Then the quarantine period finished. He started working. Communication became less and less. When he told me that the internet on a cruise is expensive, I accepted that our communication will be minimal. My love language is Act of Service and Quality time which is why it became a concern. We had our talk, I told him that I will support him and understand him. He's really busy and he also does not call his daughter as often as before because his work hours can reach between 12-16 hours per day. He's exhausted by the end of his shift.

The last time we talked, he said he does not feel the same way as he did before he left for work. He felt that we rushed things and now he is unsure of what he felt about me. It broke my heart because when I said yes to him when he asked me if he can be in my life again as a partner, I accepted him wholeheartedly. For me, choosing him again is never a mistake. I gave my trust again even though the reason for our breakup was about trust and loyalty/faithfulness. He told me there's no third party. I believe him. 

I am teary-eyed while I type this. Typing it down is somewhat therapeutic. I was single for 2 years before we got back together. I took care of my heart so when someone comes along to offer their love, I am ready to open my heart again. Then he came back, I know my heart is ready to love again. My heart is ready to love him again.

Do I love him? Yes, I still do. I don't know what happened from the time of our last talk to this day because my love for him never falter. Every day, I choose him even on difficult days.

So the question "Should one give a second chance to the person who previously hurt you?" - if you are ready to open your heart again, accept him/her, and ready to get hurt again... then my answer is YES.

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. - Alfred Lord Tennyson 

This song explains how I feel about my relationship: Snoh Aalegra - You

Read this post about him: I thought you were my last

When he asked me how to overcome heartache: How to move on

How to move on?

Hi Loves! It has been a while.

I have moved country since 2016. Well actually, I'm back in the Philippines.

So... My friend broke up with his girlfriend and was really sad. He asked me if I can write a blog post to share some pointers on how to move on.

Here are some of my tips on how to move on.

1. Don't rush things

• It is okay not to be okay. Always remember that healing takes time.

2. Cry it all out

• Feel all the pain, sadness, and anger that you have. Sometimes all you need actually is a good cry. Don't be afraid to cry an ugly cry.

3. Be busy

• As simple as it can be, being busy helps you to focus on other important things. 

4. Rediscover yourself

• You have all the time to rediscover your old love. It can be love in art, movies, playing a sport, or whatever that will make you smile.

5. Meet new people

• This does not mean that you need to go out on a date. You can meet new people in your Zumba class or book club. Build new relationships and enjoy the company of new people that share your values and passion.

6. Improve on yourself

• Rediscovering oneself is as important as improving yourself. You may have forgotten that you plan to study swimming or learn how to ride a bike. Now, you can do that.

7. Enjoy life!

• Not because things did not go as you want them to be, you should stop living your life. Sometimes an end is actually a beginning. A new chapter to read, a blank canvas to paint, or a new road to trek.

Healing begins when you start to let go of the past and start loving yourself.

Have you experienced heartbreak? How did you overcome that stage?

Speak to you soon.

xoxo,

Katey

I thought you were my last

Dear Ex,

How are you? I hope everything is okay with you. How's work? I hope you find a better company. I know that yours are not treating their staff fairly.

So... why did I even write you a letter? Well... I know you don't care but I would like to tell you that I am doing fine. Work is a bit challenging. But you know me, I love challenges. :) Probably that's the reason why we became an item.

Remember when I used to bully you? You hated me but you also liked me at the same time. My honesty is a little brutal, I know. My mouth is faster than my brain.

How about the time when I "forced" you to drink coffee? That was fun! I didn't know you'd get a stomachache when you drink coffee. But hey! You grew out of it. We always have our coffee date every week since then.

I don't like singing. I think I have an awful voice but you made me sing. And you love listening to my singing voice.

I don't like to cook. But you love my adobo... more than your Mama's cooking. Which is a compliment coz your Mama is a good cook.

Probably I miss what we had, but I don't miss the fights. When every simple conversation turns into a misunderstanding. When we hurt each other with words that we can never take back. Well... I started missing you when you changed. When every little thing I do or say irritates you. That's when you started comparing me to her. 

Yes, I miss you but not romantically. I have passed that stage. I miss the friendship, the laughter, the series marathon, the midnight snacks, and our people watching.

Remember the last time we had our coffee and I cried because I asked "What happened to us?".

I also want to say I'm sorry if I hurt you when I chose my happiness. But I don't need to apologize for choosing my happiness. So I'll just say, I'm sorry for the times that I have hurt you.

Thank you for the years of being together. It was indeed a roller coaster of emotion. We had our highs which I will keep. And we had our lows which I will treasure. Thank you for introducing me to your family whom I love dearly. They have accepted me as their own and for that I am grateful.

Please believe me when I say, I am truly happy now that you have a girlfriend. I wish you all the best and will always include you in my nightly prayer. God sent you to me on my lowest, when I started doubting myself. Things may not have turned out the way we wanted them to be. But I know our purpose for each other has reached its finish line.

So... just take care of yourself and please behave, okay?

Your Ex

Relationship rules

I noticed that there's always something about number three in a relationship.

3 days

Who invented the rule that a guy should call a girl 3 days after their meeting?

I used to believe that this "rule" should be followed until I met someone who called up after 15 days. I laughed at him when he said that he purposely stopped himself from calling me a day after we were introduced to each other. I asked him why he didn't call me after 3 days. He said he planned to call me but he needed time to gain more courage to even add me to Facebook.

So you see... Some people need more time to muster up courage to approach a person especially if they really like them. At first, I was confused because I was expecting a call or something but it didn't happened. After 3 days, it didn't bother me anymore and I moved on until that day that I received a friend request in Facebook after 15 days. It was a sweet surprise actually. So girls, don't be dishearten if a guy doesn't call you. Either he needed more time or he doesn't like you. In short, no expectations.

3 dates

I'm guilty on this one. There was this person that I really like. After our first date, we clicked right away. But since I don't want to rush things and I religiously follow the "3 date" rule, I let my chance passed. We actually dated 5 times. After that, we stopped. He thought that I didn't like him and I thought he doesn't like me. Funny huh? Sometimes, you need to be more open and honest. Things may not turn out the way you expect it to be but least you tried. Rejection is part of life any way.

3 months

This goes both in dating and break-up.

Dating

Again, guilty as charged. But somehow, I still believe that 3-month is a period to test the relationship. I know it's early to say that the relationship will last after 3 months of dating but it is a good start. Sometimes these 3 months will show a glimpse of where the relationship is heading to. But hey, I can be wrong. 

Break-up

If you're Filipino, you probably watched "One more chance" by John Lloyd and Bea. This movie invented the 3-month rule that you can date only after 3 months from break-up. In reality, people deal with break up differently. Some people need a month to move on and some people take years. 

But if you think about it, this rule became famous because it gives the aggrieved party to sulk. If I am the dumpee, I don't want to see the love of my life happy with another person. This rule is all about respect.

3rd wheel

This last "three" doesn't involve only "third party" but also other people who try to enter in your relationship. They maybe your parents, siblings, friends or even social media! 

Most relationships fail when someone tries to meddle with the relationship. I believe that relationship is between the couple. It doesn't hurt if you ask for some advice from people close to you but if you let these people decide for you then it will affect the relationship.

I am not saying that above relationship rules are false or true but isn't funny how we follow these rules blindly because we thought it is the right thing to do. 

Do you know other relationship rule that I have not mention that you would like to share? Please share it, I'm curious. :)

Xoxo,

Katey

How to make your relationship work

I wouldn't consider myself a love or relationship guru but I think I had a diverse relationship that helped me provide some valuable input in making a relationship last.

I can compare finding a (lifetime) partner to hailing a cab. If you are lucky enough, you have an available cab pass by your street. Most of the time, you need to wait for a cab to come along. And sadly enough, some needs to fight over a cab. On how the ride will turn out to be, that’s the responsibility of the driver and the passenger.

So what do you need to make your journey as a couple work, and hopefully, last.

Set and know each other’s expectations

More often than not, we enter a relationship without knowing what’s in store for us. We love the element of surprise. I was one until a partner asked me “What are your expectations in this relationship?” I was taken off guard. Once I regain my composure, I was able to think straight. Knowing what you want in a relationship and in your partner is essential. You and your partner will have a clear picture of what you want to have and what you are capable of giving and receiving.

Communicate

Communication is vital in a relationship. When I say “Communicate”, it doesn’t mean communicate only when your partner upsets you. Yes, you should be open with your emotion especially if you feel offended or hurt. But more than that, sharing important things with your partner is a good bonding moment.

Share about your work, or a new hobby of yours. It may be mundane to you but maybe it is interesting to your partner.

Do things together

Like communication, doing things together will make your relationship stronger and more fun. Why not start a hobby together. Learn a new language and practice it with each other. Read a book and share what you think of a certain chapter. Do the laundry together or wash the dishes while your partner wipes it dry.  Come to think of it, relationship is a team effort.

Me time

In as much that you want to spend every waking day with each other, you need some “Me time”. Me time doesn't mean alone time. Me time can mean a visit to your mom, a movie date with your sisters or a coffee date with your girlfriends. Me time also applies to your partner: A boy’s night out, a basketball game with his high school/college friends or a drinking session with his dad and brothers.

Having me time will energize and rejuvenate your individuality. Before you enter this relationship, you have a life of your own. So why stop living?

Learn each other’s interest

In point 3, I suggested to do things together that both of you enjoy. But how about learning something new? Learn your partner’s passion. It may be her passion for skincare or his passion for comics, her passion for art or his passion for sports.  You don’t need to love their interest but at least know a few things about it. Start with reading an article or two. Maybe watch him during his basketball game with his friends or accompany her in her visit to museum. Perhaps, you will discover that her or his interest is appealing and fascinating.

Support each other
You're not in a relationship to compete with each other. Be each other's cheerleader. Your partner will come to you to share their problem with their work, friends or family. Just be there when things get tough.

If they share something that they are passionate about, listen and give advice if asked. Be enthusiastic and be an active listener. If things are unclear to you, ask them questions instead of being negative about it. 

Also, celebrate their success. To celebrate their happiness and triumph shows that you are proud of them. Every partner wants to make their partner proud. 

Respect each other’s privacy

In this day and age, we are so attach to social media and technology that we want to know our partner’s whereabouts and password to her or his mobile, email and social media account. I actually don’t want my privacy invaded. There is a reason why you have a password in your email, it is personal. Regardless if you are in a relationship, it doesn't give you the right to access your partner’s mobile, email or social media. However, I applaud those who give their password freely and openly. I had a partner who gave his password to his email and social media. I didn't open it. Not unless he asks me to check an email he expects or asks me to send an email on his behalf. He gave it to me freely but I still respect his privacy. Not giving your partner an access to your account doesn't mean that you are hiding something but it means you want to keep your privacy. And if you are really faithful to each other, you will not do anything that will hurt the relationship.

Compose and Compromise

Don’t expect a relationship to be all bright and dandy. Relationship is like a roller coaster ride. 

Discussion and misunderstanding is normal. When you reach that part of relationship when you get to each other’s nerve: stop and breathe. Get a grip of yourself until you can think clearly. You don’t need to push your ideals to your partner and same with them. Meet half way and compromise. But once you compromise, don’t blame each other if things didn't work out. Compromise doesn't mean that you let go of your ideals and belief but it means that you are open to change and you value your relationship more than your ego.

Apologize

Saying sorry is so easy to say nowadays that you question its authenticity. When you say sorry, you need to mean it and know why and what you are sorry for. Some people say sorry just to end the argument. And some say it not knowing why they need to say sorry. When your partner apologize, you need to ask them if they know what made you upset. You will be surprise to hear “I don’t know.” If your partner is honest enough to admit their shortcoming by not knowing what they did to upset you, you need to reciprocate their honesty. Discuss what hurt you and why. This will spare both of you of future misunderstanding.

But not all apologies are accepted, so don’t feel dishearten when things didn't go back to normal. Just be patient and make sure you don’t do the same mistake.

Forgive

This is connected to point 9. We know that forgiving is not easy especially when you really are hurt. But forgiving is also a choice. If you choose to forgive your partner, you are ready to start anew. You are ready to let go and move on. The common mistake in forgiving is, forgiving too easily. In doing so, you are not prepared to accept the mistake of your partner and you end up being paranoid. You remind your partner about the mistake and both of you end up hurting each other more.

Spirituality/Belief

No matter what your belief - God, Allah, Higher being or science, it is important that you share this with your partner.

I can only speak for myself as a Catholic. I am lucky to have no issue with my religion with my partner. What I like about my relationship is that, I was able to reconnect with my Creator. I love that we pray together (via Skype) before we sleep and attend mass (as much as possible) every Sunday.

Religion shouldn't be an issue as most religion share the same belief which is to love and respect one another.

I purposely did not include Staying in love, be patient, be understanding and have trust. I believe that these 4 things are fundamental in a relationship. I wanted to share extra pointers that I believe will help make a relationship work and last.

Any relationship pointers you have that you want to share?

Love to hear it from you.

Xoxo,

Katey