I am allowed to feel sad, frustrated, guilt, disappointed, anger, disgusted, helpless, and to feel tired.
Most people question my happiness because I am well... quiet. Don't get me wrong, I am good at making my family and friends laugh. I say the silliest thing. My mom used to tell me that I like acting crazy just to make her laugh. Let's say I always give the best punchlines in my family. I even laugh at my own jokes because I find them brilliant at times. (ehem ehem)
A cup of coffee can bring out different emotions from me. A good cup of coffee makes me happy and satisfied. A poor one frustrates and angers me.
Purchasing a book of my favorite author brings me to cloud 9. Writing, reading, and listening to poems calm me.
Flowers and cats make me smile. I love waves and sunsets. I adore trees and sunrise. Clouds and skies give me joy. White wine and Hoegaarden rosee excites me. hahaha
What I am trying to say is I know what makes me happy. What irks me is when someone tells me "I hope you're finally happy." Emphasis on finally which connotes I was never happy. (facepalm) I know they mean well but... WTH! I am allowed to cry and complain when I feel that I am burdened. I am allowed to feel. Not because I bawled my eyes out it means I am not capable of being happy. (shakes my head) Don't expect me to smile and laugh when I am drowning in my problems. Don't blame me when I have intrusive thoughts... believe me when I say I always, always try my best to find the rainbow after the storm, the light at the end of the tunnel, sunshine after the rain.
My parents, my sisters, my nephew, my friends, and of course my partner add to my happiness but not the source of my happiness.
These past few months, I thought I lost my mojos. But here I am, feeling better. A friend once told me when I video called him, "Oh my, your aura looks different. You look happy." coz I am. I woke up one day and decided to be happy not for anyone but for me. Oh let me tell you, it is liberating. I was stuck for some time but it gave me time to reflect on things. I was not actually stuck, I was in hermit mode.
I will end this blog by sharing a little affirmation that I found in TikTok that might help anyone who is in a rut right now.
I am welcoming a healthy balance between all aspects of my life.
My beauty from within shines to the surface and is recognized.
I make the best decisions for myself
And everything always works out in my favor.
Hang in there, okay. Things will be better.
