Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Expectation

I was talking to a friend earlier and this is how it went.

Friend: So what's your plan?
Me: I don't know.
Friend: How come you don't know? You always know what to do.
Me: What if I really don't know.
Friend: No. You have everything figured out.
Me: Because that was the expectation.
Friend: So if people expect you to know everything?
Me: But I don't.

We're not just talking about simple things, but we're talking about life. At a very young age, I taught myself to be tough and independent when it comes to dealing with issues. My parents may have given me my wants and my needs as a child but when it comes to talking about issues or dealing with it was not normal in our household. 

My Dad is bossy. He tells you what to do and you have to follow. While my Mom is submissive and prayerful. 

So you see, my parents are quite different from each other. I'm not complaining though. I have always believed that it gave me balance in life.

I'm a mixture of both. I am a little bossy but very understanding at times. I am impatient but I am forgiving. I'm confrontational but I am lenient.

As I have mentioned earlier, I taught myself to deal on my issues on my own. Maybe because, the expectation of my Dad and Mom is too high that I felt that if I failed, I will disappoint them. My Dad expected me to be strong & tough because I'm the firstborn. My Mom expect me to be a model to my two younger sisters. I have some issues that I kept to myself because I felt that it shows weakness.

As time passby I realized that I have mastered the act of "pretending". Pretending everything is bright and dandy. Pretending that I can do whatever, that I don't need anybody's help. 

I learn that I can only rely on myself because most people that I trust are the ones who run away at the sight of a problem. I got used to people telling me their issues and problems. While I kept my issues to myself. 

One of the reasons why I started blogging is to have an outlet for my creativity as well as to talk about issues that I have been dealing and experiencing. 

I might have been a good actress because nobody can read through me. They may feel there is something that is bugging me but they can't seem to figure it out. I can shift my mood very easily and it  works with concealing everything I am feeling.

I try to motivate myself by thinking of the good in everything. Bad things may happen but I try to see the bright side.

I had "the talk" with my Superior and he said "At the end of the day, life goes on." and I replied "I know, I have been telling that to myself". I think he felt my pain.

Lately, I've been feeling a little under the weather but I know that I am doing my best to keep that sunshine over me and in me. 

Oh well... Life goes on...

Sorry if this post is a little depressing. I hope that things will be a little better.

Speak to you soon!!!

Xoxo,
Katey

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Name tags

Labeling has been a part of our daily lives. 

In schools, students are categorized by intelligence, abilities and popularity. You have your nerds, jocks, cheerleaders, and losers. Each one longs to be associated with the "popular".

In your work place, employees are categorized by position. Blue collar and white collar, rank & file and senior. You normally see rank & file eats with their rank & file colleagues. Managers share table with managers.

In the society, you have the elite, middle class and the masses. We also categorize people with their choice of fashion. You have the fashionista, emo/goth, jologs/jejemon, rakista, hipsters and the normal ones.

Why do we always put labels in everything? Some may say "To keep everything in its place.". But more than keeping everything in order, labels are mostly use to discriminate and demean a person or a group of person.

I noticed how people make fun of "jejemons". Yes, I cringe when I see them text. With the extra "z" and "s". But what the heck, for sure they know the spelling of "hello" but they prefer using "eow". People make fun of their fashion sense. So what, they feel confident and comfortable with it. I secretly admire those people because they have the "I don't care" attitude. I am so concern with what society will say about me, that I feel trapped. 

I feel like if society does not approve of who you are, expect to be labelled.

I am guilty of putting labels on people and I do FEEL guilty about it. Society has become so judgmental that it poisons not just the mind of people but the heart. 

Every time I fall in this trap, I step back and try to empathize with the person being attacked. I try to put myself in their shoes and ask myself "What will I feel if someone makes fun of me?". I'm not perfect so who am I to judge? 

I know wishing to have a society that is forgiving, less judgmental, accepting, respectful and polite is impossible. (Sigh)

I can start with myself by trying to be less "bitchy". Hihihi... Oh, change!

Any attitude you wish you can change?

Speak to you soon.

Peace & love,
Katey

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

What's up?

I believe that you have noticed that my last 2 posts were all personal stuff.

So what's up with this blog? Well, I have decided to add more "personal" thing here. As my previous blog entitled Self Discovery, I am lost. I really don't know what topic to focus on. I am no fashionista nor a beauty guru. I am not a foodie nor a traveler. 

Oh wee, I will post random stuff or anything that fancies me but I will try my best to share some of my thoughts on a more personal level.

Hope you like the slight changes in this blog.

Speak to you soon.

xoxo,
Katey



Monday, 1 September 2014

Self Discovery

When we were young, we have this clear picture of what we wanted to be. Some wanted to be a Doctor, some a Lawyer and some wanted to be a Scientist. I remember that I wanted to be a Nun. Which of course, didn't happened.

Now that I am 30 something, I feel that I am lost. 

I don't know where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be. I've always thought that when I reached a certain age, I have everything figured out. But I was so wrong.

My Dad chose my course in College. I wanted to take up either Psychology or Fine Arts but my Dad wanted me to take up Commerce. Being the eldest daugther, he wanted me to follow his footsteps. The "adult pleaser" and "respectful of authority" in me decided to obey my Dad's decision. I took up Commerce major in Economics. I enjoyed College years because of the organizations I joined in. I was able to dance, cheerdance and be active in socio-civic activities.

Work was okay. My first job was a Sales Assistant aka data encoder. It was not fulfilling but then again, I met new people that became my close friends. Then I moved to Hospitality industry. I worked as a Coordinator then after 3 years relocated in Middle East. I climbed up the corporate ladder. I started as a Receptionist and now, I am holding a managerial position.

I have a fulfilling job and I know that I have made my family proud. Now, you might ask, why do I feel lost? I feel lost because no matter how fulfilling my job is, I am not happy. I know that this path that I took is not what I want to be. I like arts and I like observing people. But my current work does not include either of the two. 

My previous superior told me that he can see a lot of potential in me. That I will be great in my current position. I respect his opinion and I am glad that he sees something great in me but I don't see myself in that field. Instead of being truthful, I said I am upto the challenge. I thought that new tasks and position will make me change my mind, that I am just bored with my job. I have to say that I deliver but I am unhappy.

Giving others the power to decide for my future made me unhappy and lost. No, I don't blame my dad or my previous superior. I blame myself for not standing up with what I want. I wanted to get the approval of my dad that I gave in to his demand even if it means that I will have to set aside my happiness.

I am unhappy. I acknowledge that fact. Though it is difficult for me to do, I started to address this issue. Writing blog is one of my way to keep my creativity alive. I love writing. I have a creative imagination and writing is my way of communicating my thoughts. Also, I return back to zumba classes. I love performing and zumba class helps me to satisfy that passion. I even considering to get zumba instructor certification. 

I am in the process of self-discovery and I know that it will take a lot of time to finally reach that "self-fulfillment" stage. But I am just glad that I finally got the courage to take baby steps.

I know that this entry is lengthy and I thank you for spending your time reading this.

Are you happy with what have now? Or are you experiencing self-discovery just like me?

Speak to you soon! 

Xoxo,
Katey
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