I was talking to a friend earlier and this is how it went.
Friend: So what's your plan?
Me: I don't know.
Friend: How come you don't know? You always know what to do.
Me: What if I really don't know.
Friend: No. You have everything figured out.
Me: Because that was the expectation.
Friend: So if people expect you to know everything?
Me: But I don't.
We're not just talking about simple things, but we're talking about life. At a very young age, I taught myself to be tough and independent when it comes to dealing with issues. My parents may have given me my wants and my needs as a child but when it comes to talking about issues or dealing with it was not normal in our household.
My Dad is bossy. He tells you what to do and you have to follow. While my Mom is submissive and prayerful.
So you see, my parents are quite different from each other. I'm not complaining though. I have always believed that it gave me balance in life.
I'm a mixture of both. I am a little bossy but very understanding at times. I am impatient but I am forgiving. I'm confrontational but I am lenient.
As I have mentioned earlier, I taught myself to deal on my issues on my own. Maybe because, the expectation of my Dad and Mom is too high that I felt that if I failed, I will disappoint them. My Dad expected me to be strong & tough because I'm the firstborn. My Mom expect me to be a model to my two younger sisters. I have some issues that I kept to myself because I felt that it shows weakness.
As time passby I realized that I have mastered the act of "pretending". Pretending everything is bright and dandy. Pretending that I can do whatever, that I don't need anybody's help.
I learn that I can only rely on myself because most people that I trust are the ones who run away at the sight of a problem. I got used to people telling me their issues and problems. While I kept my issues to myself.
One of the reasons why I started blogging is to have an outlet for my creativity as well as to talk about issues that I have been dealing and experiencing.
I might have been a good actress because nobody can read through me. They may feel there is something that is bugging me but they can't seem to figure it out. I can shift my mood very easily and it works with concealing everything I am feeling.
I try to motivate myself by thinking of the good in everything. Bad things may happen but I try to see the bright side.
I had "the talk" with my Superior and he said "At the end of the day, life goes on." and I replied "I know, I have been telling that to myself". I think he felt my pain.
Lately, I've been feeling a little under the weather but I know that I am doing my best to keep that sunshine over me and in me.
Oh well... Life goes on...
Sorry if this post is a little depressing. I hope that things will be a little better.
Speak to you soon!!!