Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Self Discovery

When we were young, we have this clear picture of what we wanted to be. Some wanted to be a Doctor, some a Lawyer and some wanted to be a Scientist. I remember that I wanted to be a Nun. Which of course, didn't happened.

Now that I am 30 something, I feel that I am lost. 

I don't know where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be. I've always thought that when I reached a certain age, I have everything figured out. But I was so wrong.

My Dad chose my course in College. I wanted to take up either Psychology or Fine Arts but my Dad wanted me to take up Commerce. Being the eldest daugther, he wanted me to follow his footsteps. The "adult pleaser" and "respectful of authority" in me decided to obey my Dad's decision. I took up Commerce major in Economics. I enjoyed College years because of the organizations I joined in. I was able to dance, cheerdance and be active in socio-civic activities.

Work was okay. My first job was a Sales Assistant aka data encoder. It was not fulfilling but then again, I met new people that became my close friends. Then I moved to Hospitality industry. I worked as a Coordinator then after 3 years relocated in Middle East. I climbed up the corporate ladder. I started as a Receptionist and now, I am holding a managerial position.

I have a fulfilling job and I know that I have made my family proud. Now, you might ask, why do I feel lost? I feel lost because no matter how fulfilling my job is, I am not happy. I know that this path that I took is not what I want to be. I like arts and I like observing people. But my current work does not include either of the two. 

My previous superior told me that he can see a lot of potential in me. That I will be great in my current position. I respect his opinion and I am glad that he sees something great in me but I don't see myself in that field. Instead of being truthful, I said I am upto the challenge. I thought that new tasks and position will make me change my mind, that I am just bored with my job. I have to say that I deliver but I am unhappy.

Giving others the power to decide for my future made me unhappy and lost. No, I don't blame my dad or my previous superior. I blame myself for not standing up with what I want. I wanted to get the approval of my dad that I gave in to his demand even if it means that I will have to set aside my happiness.

I am unhappy. I acknowledge that fact. Though it is difficult for me to do, I started to address this issue. Writing blog is one of my way to keep my creativity alive. I love writing. I have a creative imagination and writing is my way of communicating my thoughts. Also, I return back to zumba classes. I love performing and zumba class helps me to satisfy that passion. I even considering to get zumba instructor certification. 

I am in the process of self-discovery and I know that it will take a lot of time to finally reach that "self-fulfillment" stage. But I am just glad that I finally got the courage to take baby steps.

I know that this entry is lengthy and I thank you for spending your time reading this.

Are you happy with what have now? Or are you experiencing self-discovery just like me?

Speak to you soon! 


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