Expectation

I was talking to a friend earlier and this is how it went.

Friend: So what's your plan?

Me: I don't know.

Friend: How come you don't know? You always know what to do.

Me: What if I really don't know.

Friend: No. You have everything figured out.

Me: Because that was the expectation.

Friend: So if people expect you to know everything?

Me: But I don't.

We're not just talking about simple things, but we're talking about life. At a very young age, I taught myself to be tough and independent when it comes to dealing with issues. My parents may have given me my wants and my needs as a child but when it comes to talking about issues or dealing with it was not normal in our household. 

My Dad is bossy. He tells you what to do and you have to follow. While my Mom is submissive and prayerful. 

So you see, my parents are quite different from each other. I'm not complaining though. I have always believed that it gave me balance in life.

I'm a mixture of both. I am a little bossy but very understanding at times. I am impatient but I am forgiving. I'm confrontational but I am lenient.

As I have mentioned earlier, I taught myself to deal on my issues on my own. Maybe because, the expectation of my Dad and Mom is too high that I felt that if I failed, I will disappoint them. My Dad expected me to be strong & tough because I'm the firstborn. My Mom expect me to be a model to my two younger sisters. I have some issues that I kept to myself because I felt that it shows weakness.

As time passby I realized that I have mastered the act of "pretending". Pretending everything is bright and dandy. Pretending that I can do whatever, that I don't need anybody's help. 

I learn that I can only rely on myself because most people that I trust are the ones who run away at the sight of a problem. I got used to people telling me their issues and problems. While I kept my issues to myself. 

One of the reasons why I started blogging is to have an outlet for my creativity as well as to talk about issues that I have been dealing and experiencing. 

I might have been a good actress because nobody can read through me. They may feel there is something that is bugging me but they can't seem to figure it out. I can shift my mood very easily and it  works with concealing everything I am feeling.

I try to motivate myself by thinking of the good in everything. Bad things may happen but I try to see the bright side.

I had "the talk" with my Superior and he said "At the end of the day, life goes on." and I replied "I know, I have been telling that to myself". I think he felt my pain.

Lately, I've been feeling a little under the weather but I know that I am doing my best to keep that sunshine over me and in me. 

Oh well... Life goes on...

Sorry if this post is a little depressing. I hope that things will be a little better.

Speak to you soon!!!

Xoxo,

Katey

Name tags

Labeling has been a part of our daily lives. 

In schools, students are categorized by intelligence, abilities and popularity. You have your nerds, jocks, cheerleaders, and losers. Each one longs to be associated with the "popular".

In your work place, employees are categorized by position. Blue collar and white collar, rank & file and senior. You normally see rank & file eats with their rank & file colleagues. Managers share table with managers.

In the society, you have the elite, middle class and the masses. We also categorize people with their choice of fashion. You have the fashionista, emo/goth, jologs/jejemon, rakista, hipsters and the normal ones.

Why do we always put labels in everything? Some may say "To keep everything in its place.". But more than keeping everything in order, labels are mostly use to discriminate and demean a person or a group of person.

I noticed how people make fun of "jejemons". Yes, I cringe when I see them text. With the extra "z" and "s". But what the heck, for sure they know the spelling of "hello" but they prefer using "eow". People make fun of their fashion sense. So what, they feel confident and comfortable with it. I secretly admire those people because they have the "I don't care" attitude. I am so concern with what society will say about me, that I feel trapped. 

I feel like if society does not approve of who you are, expect to be labelled.

I am guilty of putting labels on people and I do FEEL guilty about it. Society has become so judgmental that it poisons not just the mind of people but the heart. 

Every time I fall in this trap, I step back and try to empathize with the person being attacked. I try to put myself in their shoes and ask myself "What will I feel if someone makes fun of me?". I'm not perfect so who am I to judge? 

I know wishing to have a society that is forgiving, less judgmental, accepting, respectful and polite is impossible. (Sigh)

I can start with myself by trying to be less "bitchy". Hihihi... Oh, change!

Any attitude you wish you can change?

Speak to you soon.

Peace & love,

Katey

What's up?

I believe that you have noticed that my last 2 posts were all personal stuff.

So what's up with this blog? Well, I have decided to add more "personal" thing here. As my previous blog entitled Self Discovery, I am lost. I really don't know what topic to focus on. I am no fashionista nor a beauty guru. I am not a foodie nor a traveler. 

Oh wee, I will post random stuff or anything that fancies me but I will try my best to share some of my thoughts on a more personal level.

Hope you like the slight changes in this blog.

Speak to you soon.

xoxo,

Katey

Self Discovery

When we were young, we have this clear picture of what we wanted to be. Some wanted to be a Doctor, some a Lawyer and some wanted to be a Scientist. I remember that I wanted to be a Nun. Which of course, didn't happened.

Now that I am 30 something, I feel that I am lost. 

I don't know where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be. I've always thought that when I reached a certain age, I have everything figured out. But I was so wrong.

My Dad chose my course in College. I wanted to take up either Psychology or Fine Arts but my Dad wanted me to take up Commerce. Being the eldest daugther, he wanted me to follow his footsteps. The "adult pleaser" and "respectful of authority" in me decided to obey my Dad's decision. I took up Commerce major in Economics. I enjoyed College years because of the organizations I joined in. I was able to dance, cheerdance and be active in socio-civic activities.

Work was okay. My first job was a Sales Assistant aka data encoder. It was not fulfilling but then again, I met new people that became my close friends. Then I moved to Hospitality industry. I worked as a Coordinator then after 3 years relocated in Middle East. I climbed up the corporate ladder. I started as a Receptionist and now, I am holding a managerial position.

I have a fulfilling job and I know that I have made my family proud. Now, you might ask, why do I feel lost? I feel lost because no matter how fulfilling my job is, I am not happy. I know that this path that I took is not what I want to be. I like arts and I like observing people. But my current work does not include either of the two. 

My previous superior told me that he can see a lot of potential in me. That I will be great in my current position. I respect his opinion and I am glad that he sees something great in me but I don't see myself in that field. Instead of being truthful, I said I am upto the challenge. I thought that new tasks and position will make me change my mind, that I am just bored with my job. I have to say that I deliver but I am unhappy.

Giving others the power to decide for my future made me unhappy and lost. No, I don't blame my dad or my previous superior. I blame myself for not standing up with what I want. I wanted to get the approval of my dad that I gave in to his demand even if it means that I will have to set aside my happiness.

I am unhappy. I acknowledge that fact. Though it is difficult for me to do, I started to address this issue. Writing blog is one of my way to keep my creativity alive. I love writing. I have a creative imagination and writing is my way of communicating my thoughts. Also, I return back to zumba classes. I love performing and zumba class helps me to satisfy that passion. I even considering to get zumba instructor certification. 

I am in the process of self-discovery and I know that it will take a lot of time to finally reach that "self-fulfillment" stage. But I am just glad that I finally got the courage to take baby steps.

I know that this entry is lengthy and I thank you for spending your time reading this.

Are you happy with what have now? Or are you experiencing self-discovery just like me?

Speak to you soon! 

Xoxo,

Katey

Beauty Lounge review - Chic & Posh

Last August 9, I went to Chic & Posh to try out their services using my Qgrabs voucher.

This would be a short review of Chic & Posh Beauty Lounge.

Ease of booking an appointment:
I decided to use my voucher last week of July. I called several time but nobody's picking up. It was a bit frustrating as the voucher will expire on the same month. After several attempt, someone answered my call. I was advised that I can still use my voucher on August. So I postponed my visit to August.

First Impression:
The name is spot on, the place is so chic. I love the interior and the ambiance.

Attitude of the staff:
Staff are friendly.

Service/Treatments availed:
Body massage, hot oil & nail polish

Body massage - I enjoyed the massage. It is quite different I might say. I can't quite figure it out if it's swedish or shiatsu. But what I know is, it is relaxing.

When I entered the massage room, the first thing I noticed is the cleanliness and how properly arrange the massage bed is. The room is dimmed and the temperature is just right. When the masseuse entered, she opened the ipod to play some instrumental music which is really relaxing. She then start putting oil. The pressure is moderate. I have this tendency to keep myself awake just to feel and experience the massage. I really like the leg and head massage. These two parts are my weak point. Once the masseuse starts touching these parts, I start to drift away to Dreamland. 

Hot oil - My hair is in need of some lovin'. So this treatment is needed. First, they washed my hair. The  lady who washed my hair is really gentle. After washing my hair, she wrapped my hair in a cling wrapped and I was placed under the hot oil machine for about 15-20 minutes. After that, my hair was washed again and then a new lady "semi" blow dried my hair. Oh boy, she was not gentle with my hair. She was tugging my hair as if in a hurry. I didn't complain coz I just want to just finished it coz I am not enjoying it.

Nail polish - my nails were shaped but not clean which is okay coz I plan to have a manicure somewhere. I like that they use Essie nail polish.

Value for Money:
Services are quite on a pricey side but they have promotions available in their Facebook Fan Page.

Would I go again? Probably. I wanted to try their Moroccan Hammam.

Verdict:
3/5

Room for improvement: 

1. Use less oil. Good thing I did not feel greasy after the massage session.
2. Increase the room temperature in the hair section of the salon. I was shivering when my hair was being washed. But the lady did turn off the AC coz she saw me shivering.
3. Please be gentle when handling hair especially when blow drying the hair. 
4. My nail polish chipped the next day.

What's weighing you down?

Hi! 

It's been a while.

So... How do I start? Hmmm... Let's start with what I have been doing.

I'm attending zumba classes again. I go to zumba class M-W-F. Yup, 3 times a week. Getting back in shape takes a lot of determination & patience. 

My sister is getting married next year so I need to lose some pounds coz I'm in her entourage. 

Honestly speaking (or writing), I really have an issue with my weight. (Whew...) I'm not really fat. I know discussing weight issue is a sensitive subject but I am sharing this part of me because I believe that each one of us has a personal battle that we are going through everyday.

Some will say that I'm overly dramatic coz I am not that fat. A colleague even asked me "Why are you unhappy with your body? You are not fat.". Oh bless him. But it's not just the weight itself that I am battling with but myself perception.

I have been skinny from my elementary years to my college years. My heaviest when I was in college is 100lbs. Maybe it also helps that I am a dancer. I have a flat stomach and even have an abs. My arms are tone and I exercise regularly. I remember whenever my Aunt will tell me "Jacky, you're gaining weight.", I would starve myself and even resorted to sticking my finger into my mouth after every meal. I always feel frustrated everytime I gain weight. I feel disgusted whenever I see myself in the mirror. I cry whenever someone says I'm fat because I feel really ugly and unwanted.

Moving to Middle East, made it even worse. I gain a lot of weight because of my lifestyle. My world has been "home-work-home". I became less and less active. Food became my constant companion. Don't get me wrong, I have friends. Imagine what I felt when I gain so much weight and when I went for vacation all I hear is "What happened to you?" or "Where's your abs?". And the constant reminder to lose weight.

I went to this free check-up and the doctor told me "You're little obese." What the... I don't know if she meant I'm almost obese or I am becoming obese or I am obese and small. Btw, she said that in front of other patients. I just smiled and pretended to be okay but my heart is breaking. Talk about humiliation! I felt disappointed and disgusted. I hate it!

After the self loathe has worn out, I looked at my old photos. All I see is a skinny girl looking back at me. I look extremely different. I look ugly. I asked myself, how could I even consider that body to be beautiful?

If you will ask me now if I am happy with my current weight? No. I could lose some weight here and there, tone my arms and flatten my stomach. BUT, I will not let myself to be skinny as I was. My main goal is to be healthy.

Sometimes I still feel sad when I see my reflection and I still get affected when someone tells me that I am a fatso. But changing what I see of myself takes little step. I need to start learning that the numbers in a weighing scale do not define me as a person. I need to start loving myself more.

Sigh... Oh well... Do you have any personal battle you would like to share?

Take care & God bless.

Xoxo,

Katey