Monday, 18 August 2014

What's weighing you down?


It's been a while.

So... How do I start? Hmmm... Let's start with what I have been doing.

I'm attending zumba classes again. I go to zumba class M-W-F. Yup, 3 times a week. Getting back in shape takes a lot of determination & patience. 

My sister is getting married next year so I need to lose some pounds coz I'm in her entourage. 

Honestly speaking (or writing), I really have an issue with my weight. (Whew...) I'm not really fat. I know discussing weight issue is a sensitive subject but I am sharing this part of me because I believe that each one of us has a personal battle that we are going through everyday.

Some will say that I'm overly dramatic coz I am not that fat. A colleague even asked me "Why are you unhappy with your body? You are not fat.". Oh bless him. But it's not just the weight itself that I am battling with but myself perception.

I have been skinny from my elementary years to my college years. My heaviest when I was in college is 100lbs. Maybe it also helps that I am a dancer. I have a flat stomach and even have an abs. My arms are tone and I exercise regularly. I remember whenever my Aunt will tell me "Jacky, you're gaining weight.", I would starve myself and even resorted to sticking my finger into my mouth after every meal. I always feel frustrated everytime I gain weight. I feel disgusted whenever I see myself in the mirror. I cry whenever someone says I'm fat because I feel really ugly and unwanted.

Moving to Middle East, made it even worse. I gain a lot of weight because of my lifestyle. My world has been "home-work-home". I became less and less active. Food became my constant companion. Don't get me wrong, I have friends. Imagine what I felt when I gain so much weight and when I went for vacation all I hear is "What happened to you?" or "Where's your abs?". And the constant reminder to lose weight.

I went to this free check-up and the doctor told me "You're little obese." What the... I don't know if she meant I'm almost obese or I am becoming obese or I am obese and small. Btw, she said that in front of other patients. I just smiled and pretended to be okay but my heart is breaking. Talk about humiliation! I felt disappointed and disgusted. I hate it!

After the self loathe has worn out, I looked at my old photos. All I see is a skinny girl looking back at me. I look extremely different. I look ugly. I asked myself, how could I even consider that body to be beautiful?

If you will ask me now if I am happy with my current weight? No. I could lose some weight here and there, tone my arms and flatten my stomach. BUT, I will not let myself to be skinny as I was. My main goal is to be healthy.

Sometimes I still feel sad when I see my reflection and I still get affected when someone tells me that I am a fatso. But changing what I see of myself takes little step. I need to start learning that the numbers in a weighing scale do not define me as a person. I need to start loving myself more.

Sigh... Oh well... Do you have any personal battle you would like to share?

Take care & God bless.


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